I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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