its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
