Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
even my farts smell like vagina
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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