The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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