Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
