The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
When are your genitals available?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You are a genius and a whore.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
