thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
