Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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