I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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