Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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