Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
4 words: hood of his car
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
