If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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