I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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