Umm I'm too high to move.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
