didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
