they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
