dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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