I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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