So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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