Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
