She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
