Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
