I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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