Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
