ADVERTISEMENT

• (425): View more from Washington

  i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....

  Fav 36 3439 973

  share tweet
  

• (609): View more from New Jersey

  just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good

  Fav 15 1653 5330

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (512): View more from Texas

  After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.

  Fav 8 3813 1387

  share tweet
  

• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.

  Fav 45 3041 5013

  share tweet
  

• (949): View more from California

  I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.

  Fav 4 3444 1369

  share tweet
  

• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two

  Fav 6 3487 1690

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (913): View more from Kansas

  high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?

  Fav 10 3950 1232

  share tweet
  

• (304): View more from West Virginia

  As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.

  Fav 16 2885 949

  share tweet
  

• (250): View more from British Columbia

  My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.

  Fav 3 1628 647

  share tweet
  

• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried

  Fav 3 1364 578

  share tweet
  

• (775): View more from Nevada

  He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home

  Fav 6 1366 701

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.

  Fav 6 669 1210

  share tweet
  

• (901): View more from Tennessee

  of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them

  Fav 3 311 194

  share tweet
  

• (201): View more from New Jersey

  Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.

  Fav 2 58 38

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (207): View more from Maine

  I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head

  Fav 1 54 16

  share tweet
  

Randomize