thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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