his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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