broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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