So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
