Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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