So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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