ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
