I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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