does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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