Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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