Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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