i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
