just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
