He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
