my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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