she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
