Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I AM VODKA MAN
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
