Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I want a musical about memes.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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