My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
