I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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