I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
