can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
