even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
