I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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