my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
