1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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