I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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