Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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