I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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