nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
