I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She bit a glass in half.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
