You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
