Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize